I knew better than to step through the office door on that particular morning. My hands shook. My throat was dry. I knew what was coming. In seconds, the six-foot-four 275 pound CEO clogged the space between the door and the desk. Veins bulged from his neck and forehead. With fists balled, he towered over me, cursing at the top of his lungs. Every word brought him a step closer until his chest bumped mine.
Before I’d met this man several years earlier, I never ‘really’ thought about why I got angry. Frustrating things happened and my response was anger. It’s 100% natural, right? However, I noticed that whenever this man didn’t get his way, he’d blow a fuse, shouting and cursing. After he’d gotten his way, he’d calm down and apologize with a sheepish smile. Everything went back to back to business as usual. It was as if his anger was contrived simply to bully an agreement to his agenda.
Seeing the way he acted, I took a hard look at my own anger … and cringed. My anger was almost never about what I thought it was about. That makes anger a lie. For example: I’m angry at the immorality and injustice I see in our country; what’s really going on is that I’m afraid; I fear we’re going to lose all our freedoms. I’m angry at the oppression and poverty I see in other countries; the truth is I feel helpless and I’m ashamed of my inaction. I get annoyed when my son wakes me up early in the morning – which is just me being selfish.
Fear, helplessness, shame, and selfishness are weak. So instead of being timid, I can get angry. Anger makes me strong enough to say things that I normally wouldn’t say or do things I normally wouldn’t do.
That makes anger a lie I tell myself to make me feel more powerful.
But what if my anger helps me stand up for myself or defend what’s right? Have I ever said or done something in anger that I couldn’t have done better calm? Never – unless I count making an fool of myself. When my twelve-year-old son loses his temper, I’m trying to teach him that the problem isn’t the feeling of fury; that’s natural and probably very healthy. That happens to everyone. The problem is what we do when we feel that way.
I think that’s what the apostle Paul meant when he said, “In your anger do not sin.” James agrees that “human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness that God desires.”
The first anger story in the Bible is of Cain and Able. The Lord asks Cain, “Why are you angry?”.
Then the Lord gives Cain a solution and a chilling warning. “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
Evil (via my temper) wants to devour the good things in my world. It wants to be the master and make me the slave. I think literally any situation would be better than that. But if I do what is right, I get to rule. I may not get my way at that moment, but I will ultimately end up with what I want. That’s what the Lord promised Cain.
How do I best this beast? At first, nothing. I know that my initial response is probably not in my best interest. I need enough space or time to cool down and see what my anger is really about. I ask God for clarity about my feelings. So far he’s always answered. In James 1, we’re promised that God will generously give us wisdom if we ask.
Not acting in anger doesn’t mean not acting. If my wife offends me, I still need to talk to her – just NOT in anger. Burying my anger and then never doing the required action is as unhealthy as blowing up.
People ask, “what about Jesus, he got angry?” I would respond, “I’m not Jesus.” I’m not even in the same ballpark as Moses and look where Moses’ anger got him. In his anger, he committed murder, smashed the ten commandments, and disobeyed God to the point he was kept out of the promised land.
Looking back on the rage in the office, I see reflections of myself and a lot of other people. That CEO got angry and did what his anger told him to do. He screamed at me because I’d opposed him in some major decisions that I feared would put him in prison. He could have just admitted he was wrong and changed directions, except … “As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it.”* He was already a slave, and slaves must obey.
In the end, he got his way despite what I said. A few years later he went to prison and the business went under. He didn’t just lose everything for himself, he destroyed it for everyone else as well. Evil devoured it all.
Lord, let me be angry but never obedient to my anger. Let me stand unprovoked and unflinching in the face of opposition and disagreement, and always treat people with love and respect. Let me be known for joy and wisdom, not the aftermath of a fool’s temper.
Genesis 4: Cain and Able
Ephesians 4:26: In your anger do not sin.
James 1:20 human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness that God desires
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, ask God
* Ecclesiastes 8:8 wickedness will not release those who practice it.
The picture is from one I took in the Paris Catacombs.